Chills

Those cold pricks that overtake our bodies and make our hairs stick up are what separate us from the robots.

Its the goosebumps that come from the speeches, the songs, and the poems.

They come from memories. The good, the bad, the forsaken, and the cherished. Those memories that make you fired up or make you grateful for what you have. 

Warm July nights, Cold November nights, first days of school, first days of summer. 

I get them from goodbyes, all the people I’ll never see again, even when I hug my mom goodbye in the morning, because who knows when the last time I see her will be. I get them when I eat her cookies, or after a nice home cooked meal. 

I used to get them when my dad read poems to me before bed. There’s one song that gets me every time I hear it.

 Then there’s that part in the Star-Spangled Banner that just kills me. Those cold pricks overtake my whole body and thats when I really know I’m not a robot.

Plus: Would a robot know these dope AF lyrics?

"Once I throw on this bow chicka wow wow
What you gonna say?
You act like you gon' leave
But I know that you gon' stay
Break it down, docky down down
Girl, don't even play
Once I set the mood right
I'm a make you sound like”

-Mike Posner

Camera Roll

My camera roll is a time machine.

It starts me out hugging my mom on my 17th birthday. It takes me to a random Sunday, then to Junior Prom. It takes me to the last time with my best buds. After that I'm at the cemetery, but it sure is beautiful. It takes me back to something Truman said, then to graduation. Now I'm in a black hoodie taking pictures with my boy Vladivostok. It really takes me for a loop when it goes through the throwback section, family picture after family picture, a new person in each picture. Sitting in a hammock with some friends who I don't really see anymore. The Bronx, the Lake, and The Cabin. New friends pop up, old ones stay back at the beginning of the roll. Mission Pic, wedding, St. George, then Sophomore Prom. William Ernest Henley, California, Rodeo. Another rodeo, new friends come up, old ones disappear again. This time they appear as soon as they leave on their missions. There are a couple concerts and a beach or two in there as well. All leading to the present and hopefully there's a future, but who knows only the next picture will tell.

The Road Less Traveled

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Out of the night that covers me, 

Im unafraid, I believe

Beyond this place Of wrath and tears

beyond the hours that turn to years 

I thank whatever, whatever Gods may be.

Two roads diverged in  a wood, and I -

I took the one less traveled by, 

And that has made all the difference.

Winnie the Pooh

I used to wake up on Saturday mornings, pour myself a bowl of sugar cereal and watch Cartoon Network. My mom never let me eat sugar cereal during the week so I would get up early to eat that bowl of Captain Crunch. I used to have stomach problems because I was a nervous kid. I can count on my hand how many times I slept in my own bed through the whole night. Every night I woke up and moved my blankets to my mom and dad’s room and slept at the foot of their bed. I thought school lunch was gross so my mom made me a lunch everyday. It had a cheese and miracle whip sandwich, with fruit and dessert. I stopped eating that lunch about a year ago. I used to only be allowed to wear sporty shorts once a week. I used to give the best hugs. I loved Winnie the Pooh, I only at Cinnamon Life cereal, my best friend’s name was Tiger and he was real, he wasn’t a power ranger or a stuffed animal. I used to walk to the Peppermint Place when I visited my Grandma in the Summer. Now I wake up whenever I want on Saturday, and I don’t really even eat cereal. I don’t think Cartoon Network even is a thing anymore. I sleep in my bed for the whole night now. I don’t hug anyone but my mom. (and I still write her the best letters on her birthday and on Mother’s day.) She still makes me lunches but I haven’t had a cheese sandwich for a good while. Looking back it’s sad, I don’t know when all of this disappeared. I feel robbed, almost like a whole part of me was killed or taken away from me. The one thing that hasn’t really left me is the nervous stomach, but you wouldn’t know if I didn’t tell you. It’s still there though, I guess its the only proof I have left that there’s still a little child left in me.

Dream Life

I like driving at night. I like listening to music and driving at night. I always can see it in my head. When I picture it, I’m leaving a party. My wife and I are dressed up nice, suit and dress, it must’ve been a nice event. The car I’m driving is black. I don’t know what kind of car it is because I’m not a car guy. I know what music is playing because I’m a music guy. It’s slow, sounds old. One minute its Chris Botti, and the next it’s a Nocturne by Chopin. I’ve always been into old, slow music. I don’t recognize the girl, that means I haven’t met her yet. I can’t promise that I’m anywhere close to here, in fact, I’m probably not. It doesn’t show me where I’m headed, there’s nothing plugged into the GPS so I’m probably on my way home. I just hope for one thing, that wherever we’re headed, I hope it’s a long drive.

I’m On Fire

Right now I can hear Montana and I’m thinking about that video that I want to forget. I just heard Ghosts and I now it’s ninth grade and Im driving around Alpine in my dad’s car. All of a sudden I hear Brandon Flowers' voice and I’m depressed driving late at night in the same car. Then I hear Someone Saved My Life Tonight and I’m pulling away from the chapel we all met at to give our condolences. The scene turns even colder and After the Storm is trying to convince me that things could possibly get better. The Piano Man starts and I’m in my grandma’s living room playing with my brother. Eminem starts telling me about his daughters and all of a sudden it doesn’t feel so bad. I hear about a Broken Crown and I just get mad, mad at everyone and everything. Bruce Springsteen is telling me a story about going One Step Up and two steps back. Then “beyond this place of wrath and tears, I thank whatever, whatever Gods may be.” It all kills me inside, each song I skip over just brings back a and memory, each song a pit of despair. These are my favorite songs, the songs that make you go numb.

The Mad Hatter

I wore a hat to church today, you aren’t supposed to wear hats to church, but the hats we wear are what separates us from the animals. Even if I don’t wear a hat to school its always on my head. They’re different each day and they change almost simultaneously throughout the day, its not like any of us can really control them. I can promise you, you wouldn’t understand the hat I’m wearing right now, because the one you see is the one I know I’m not really wearing. I’ve got good hats and I’ve got the bad ones, I’ve got the ones that I wish I could get rid of but they’re not going anywhere. Some of them carry memories I wish would leave me alone but that’s part of the reason I hold onto them. Their gonna be the death of me sooner or later, its inevitable really.

 Sometimes my favorite part about wearing a hat is how it looks from the back, hair flowing. I like how they sit right over my eye-brows, almost making my eyes a one way mirror. 

Sometimes I can see other people’s hats, it makes me hate most of those people, but I can’t be too harsh because if you saw the hats in my head you would hate me too.